One of the most profound impacts of my exploration of the traits of high functioning autism has been my realization of my pattern of impaired feelings gauge, my limited everyday emotional experiences, and the fact that my extremely abstract self-nullifying concept of identity is likely due to impairment in Theory of Mind (as discussed by Tony Attwood).
I feel so much different now recognizing my gravitational emotion range. I feel emotion, but certain ones occur only in response to music / film. I don't sense these emotions happening in others and rarely experience them introspectively. Music gives me positive feelings, film paired with music makes sadness happen, and stress or fear causes anger responses that come out of nowhere- that's the only day to day emotional occurrence I have in response to interaction. I try to balance myself with music, and it's clear that I always have done this without consciously observing the balancing act. I always enjoy the effect that film has on me. I've noticed that even happy things in them will create the physiological sadness reactions.
I've very much struggled with the combination of the abstract, null identity, dead inside sense of self and the lack of range of feelings in response to human interaction. Right now I think I have a better adjustment to it than ever now that I'm aware of the pattern.
This is why I've become determined to figure out how to do social/emotional training so that I can become capable of the types of emotional interaction that have always vexed me in adult life.
I simply feel unworthy of any of the love or acceptance I may have been shown because I realize how unfair this is when I am a relative nonparticipant emotionally. I see how horribly I've failed to give affection, and how much I have aggravated conflicts because the stress and anger responses happen, then leading to a habit of making allusions to the null-self mindset.... failing to understand how to step away from a conflict or feed in to the emotions happening to respond to them rather than the literal topic of conflict. I've failed completely to be an adult. And I am disappointed with myself, and I wish to improve and reconcile these wrongs.
How can I be a proper spouse much less parent without committing to this improvement?
This blog is about my journey so far... recovery from the years spent focusing only on individual details instead of the big picture. My new selves of the past are explained by this new big picture- and is quite strange to lose the layers of change I thought I had obtained. Further down the path of frustration and exhaustiong.... reaching out for that true self trapped behind stone of complex PTSD