short intro

This blog is about my journey so far... recovery from the years spent focusing only on individual details instead of the big picture. My new selves of the past are explained by this new big picture- and is quite strange to lose the layers of change I thought I had obtained. Further down the path of frustration and exhaustiong.... reaching out for that true self trapped behind stone of complex PTSD

Friday, June 25, 2010

Resilience is not 100% failsafe

Last year I wrote the following in my regular blog, but kept it private (entry under same title). It serves as a great introduction for this post.

About 1 year ago I had gone through a bit of what I'd call a relapse of a severe attraction to suicide. I'd glorified it in my mind in the past, but I never committed myself to a plan the way I did last June. I even got through the rationalization that I would not be hurting or disappointing anyone. With my mother dead and my father a complete stranger who has essentially disowned me, no friends or social links outside of working relationships, and a twisted idea that my wife did not and really could not care properly about me, I was completely prepared to exit, wake up, face the mighty unknown.

I'd classify what I went through as a delusion. There was no catalytic event per se. My life was going fairly well, but I had no concept of how much it was about to improve over the next year. On the other hand, it was a very harsh lesson in how much I've largely ignored the damage ive sustained from past loss and unresolved conflicts. I chose an identity completely disconnected from anything of my upbringing. My speculation is that that state of things was the most likely catalyst for what happened to me. I've been trying to work backwards since then and examine the old me to resolve in my mind some of what I'd been ignoring.

I've come to understand it as a possible episode of something called depersonalization disorder. All of a sudden, I found myself totally "disconnected" from my physical existence. The actual episode of disconnection was short in duration, however it spawned the delusion in my mind that I needed to "wake up" from life.

Those thoughts and feelings are just one dark fragment of who I am. They are not representative of my identity in total, not influencing to the choices I make. The only influence that has developed is a kind of resilience; the will to persevere over seemingly titanic challenges has cultivated to a great strength through survival of past troubles.

Each person goes through uniquely variant challenges in life- I have a hard time with the concept of empathy- "I know what you're going through" is a meaningless phrase to me. My wife is the opposite end of the spectrum, endlessly feeling, intensely capable of perceiving & interpretting human emotion. This year, in the creation of my art, is the first time i have felt properly able to express myself and release some of the negative energy, repair some damage, and feel stronger as a human being.

Viewed from the big picture perspective I've recently gained, this event appears to have been a "depression attack", resulting in a fixation on death and particularly my own death. I recall spending every waking minute in Special Interest fashion focusing on planning the method, making list of the materials or possible options, and reading forums and blogs about methodology. Here are two entries I wrote in a separate blog I also kept completely private.

Waking Up - 6/6/2008
it finally makes sense.

I am supposed to wake up.

I am an alien in this world. every day I go to work, and I act and pretend. I then go home, and act some more. at first I thought this was because no one really cares about who I am, not even those who claim to love me. but then I realized the answer is simple. I have no identity. I don't need them, and I don't need anything.

I am trapped inside this dream world. for the longest time I thought achieving lucidity was the end goal. however, I feel I have reached that point, because of this: I realize now what I have to do. its like I've always wondered how to wake up. but never realized that I WANT to do so. I can clearly see now that this is the solution. or more precisely the next step, if you will. the defining moment of this existence for me. death. I am going to face the great unknown. there is nothing left for me here in this alien world. I do not belong here any more.

I do not fear death - 6/10/2008
here is the deal. I am void. I know I am supposed to feel emotion, but I don't. occasionally, I may get a chemical feeling such as adrenaline or fatigue. that pretty much sums it up. i feel very calculating. i am supposed to have something called love. but I can not feel it. I am supposed to "care" but I don't. this dream world which i am trapped in holds less and less gravity on me as time goes on. it is very much like when i realized the spiritual feelings i was supposed to have (according to my religious upbringing) did not exist, but for everything.
It is difficult for me to repost these or think about what it felt like during that time, but I feel it is absolutely necessary to do so.. to revisit that self and understand it in this way.

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