short intro

This blog is about my journey so far... recovery from the years spent focusing only on individual details instead of the big picture. My new selves of the past are explained by this new big picture- and is quite strange to lose the layers of change I thought I had obtained. Further down the path of frustration and exhaustiong.... reaching out for that true self trapped behind stone of complex PTSD

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Success - comprehended and transcended emotional deadness

I came to the complete understanding of how, when I lost the ability to trust, I shut myself out from vital, sustaining open affection and interaction.

Without that, I began to corrode... Or compress, coiling up to maximum tension. My self was lost in this prison cell of isolation. And I died a little more every day emotionally. Until now.

Emotional deadness has left me. Everything that used to section up and filter the chaos fell off. Catching fire, the behaviors that formed the enclosure around myself burned up rapidly in a brilliant flash of pain and adrenaline.

Now, having processed it all, I am back. I seek the affection I need. I set the boundaries for myself that ensure my happiness when someone tries to step on that boundary. I feel so much belonging and so much confidence. There is no longer any value to investing all my time in fantasy spaces.

I don't have to hide anymore or keep myself from connection that is the absolute meaning of my life.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Staring Back at my reflection

This disillusionment fades, dissolving.

I begin to perceive the truth, materializing.


Sunday, October 13, 2013

Attention Differential Disillusionment

It feels now like almost everything I wrote while exploring Spectrum traits and the Attwood's complete guide to AS is irrelevant. It's like that isn't me, that was just another failure to see myself due to the stone barrier of cPTSD.

I am not saying I no longer feel like an Aspie. I feel like the aspie part of me is incredibly intense and is the starting point for everything I have done in the context of PTSD. The only thing about who I am that still makes sense from the spectrum traits is Sticky Attention.

Essentially, the thing that caused me to be defined as ADHD in childhood and that now provides me with attention that attaches to whichever problem of interest and becomes mostly stuck there. In reading about PTSD, on one particular site, the only place I read this, it is referred to as Attention-differential.

It feels like this is my brain. There are impacts of that which cause a commonality for me with several other traits in the spectrum such as being out of sync with regular social interplay. And I am disillusioned with it. I blame it, yet, I know that I would not have developed the ability to dissociate and protect myself, for survival, without this mental talent. Now I just feel lost, at the starting point of the desire to heal the shadowy wounds that catalyzed the dissociation.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I’ve come to find I don’t flat out disagree with theism. What I absolutely disagree with is certainty. My instincts dictate a spirituality of total Not-Knowing-Anything. I feel connected at a level that exceeds moment to moment consciousness. Some post-theists really dislike “agnostic". I think agnostic thought is as far as you can go- leaves you with authentic human spirituality. Rephrased this spirituality is total acceptance I’m here SOLELY due to actions of humans before me. There is no way to meet them or know what they did to leave this consciousness to me. yet I AM them. There is no me.

Regardless of whether you feel any god should exist... why are you looking for it so far away in the sky? It would be within, not above. god is not an individual. It must perhaps be a collective of all selves.

PTSD encumbered self was built of inauthenticity. an ongoing pattern of avoidance of others and feeling of full alienation from everyone. Real self needs connection and celebrates the authenticity by creating connection with honesty

(a life of constant numbing the difficulty and grinding discomfort of being among people where I could not reconcile belonging there... or being like these others at all)

Some more observation.... try to troubleshoot my life

  • Tried reading the fucking manual?
  • Turning it off and on again?
  • Maybe it's too old, barely runs, and need to get a new one?

So the way out is through - sharing. Holding out the real, flawed, pained self. Embracing nature of connection. Refusing to let others devalue you.

I think I've spent much of my life wandering around with a stupid grin on my face. That feels like the authentic me.


listening now -smart people 45 - Brene Brown
-we are absolutely wired neurobiologically at a cellular level for connection with other people
-Our fear of disconnection is our shame emotion
-this is my egalitarianism of self. The feeling that you are worth other people's attention
-Brene Brown calls it wholeheartedness --- Seems all congruous. To achieve, requires the right focus on play, rest, & creative
-This was put in front of me by an amazing therapist, feels as if what I said to her linked this reference to this expert
-Brene Brown: "I see people sick and tired of being afraid"
-something that I've perceived, @BreneBrown articulates. We are stuck in a culture of scarcity, disengagement, and fear of disconnection
-So the vulnerability terminology for me expresses opposite of what I felt I am for last 10 years- an invincible, dead, yet animated corpse.
~6/2: take a look at the 2 least controllable Experiences that can impact you. the  Birth & Life of your child. your death, the end of your path. 

Before, I've written of the feeling of meeting me, gaining a previously nonexistent self upon birth of my child
Actually what it feels like now- a tiny new me brought this dead one back to life. Rot began to reverse. regrowth had been catalyzed
to engage that small entity, destined to dominate your life from that day forward, is the peak of bravery. You can't face it but vulnerably
I see the willful, voluntary submission to this situation of no control- An act of a self upon its first ever chance to show up for my life 

The strange thing about this thinking now is how accurately I predicted, along the path to the day she would be born, post-conception (and even ahead of that as in what I wrote on my
25th birthday) that the self holding a minutes old. months, 1 year, infant of your own causation is a stranger and you will not meet them until that time. 


Now I'm going to talk about the other "most-vulnerable-thing" (Thing you least control. Main one is having offspring.) about being alive. Your death.

Tragically we fail to appreciate the value of our own final resting point. We view the dead with pity.
so why do we hate death so much? Loss. We hate losing (disconnection) friends. Fear of disconnection & fear of death are the same thing.

To overcome that fear requires authenticity. looking death square on, and the loss, the lack of control. And accept it. This is what we are

Spoiler alert--- this is the truth that JOURNEY wraps your vulnerable self up in, till you weep, & don't know if you're sad or just relieved. flower was beautiful in this way in that you're never even alive. The whole thing is a dreamscape of joy and freedom

Thursday, June 13, 2013

6 months of fighting against PTSD - breaking point

Part 1- 6/4 Faith

Today I am going to be talking about faith.

~~But you're a nontheist.. you don't like faith.~~ Not True, friends.

Human Beings are hardwired neurobiologically for connection. It is in our CELLS. Looking at it from a perspective of our instincts, the deepest most primal emotion we have is in fact a survival response. a shame emotion. what it is: the fear that we are not fit for connection to the others in our life. that something is wrong with us or we are not good. A survival response like none other. we cannot survive if we are not connected to our peers.

Now where faith comes in for me. I have written about this before, but new research I have recently come across frames this brilliantly.

I recently discovered the following: sometimes I have to force myself to treat others like I deserve their attention.
... How do I know I deserve it? I don't.

All I know is I refuse to be afraid of not fitting in anymore. We are all going through the same set of emotions. This is what makes us human. I believe that I am good enough to connect with my fellow humans. I want my action now to be based fully on that belief. In my post theist terminology I have named this Egalitarianism of Self. Really, it's just faith. A positive force I choose to accept. It makes me confident. It makes me know who I am without a toxic need for certainty.

[This is what the faith of the theist does at best-- it lets them let go of fearful instinct, in attempt to transcend it]

These instincts have a purpose- to facilitate connection, keep us in the best position for survival connected with our group. My idea of morality already comes from this exact instinct. How well I do depends on how well my peers do.

I don't get morality or sense of worth from a presumable, unseen creator/parent/origination point of self. I get it from the vast years of memory that my species has passed to me. A collective origination point of self. In this way I am not an individual. I am my parents. They are theirs. We are humans.

My faith is that this state of self is good enough. That I have a life worth living. That I appreciate what has been entrusted to me: consciousness and membership in a very long running species.

Part 2: 6/13- Wrap up (save & continue)
If you (like I did) misunderstand what my PTSD is, thinking some external force broke me, consider the following:

what's been freezing me is far more esoteric than anything that could be inflicted by a "shaming" parent or abuser of any kind.something happens to you when a day doesn't pass without hard contemplation of the end of yourself and the end of everything.

to find a resolution to that, it will be requiring a complete surrender to the nature of what I am, a creature which has inherited abundant, ancient instinct-bounded capabilities & knowledge, and whose role it is to pass these to the next.

With all of this new language from Brene Brown's research and conclusions, helping me to define self in terms of master emotion (evolutionary, primal fear of disconnection), & 3 gifts of imperfection (courage, compassion, connection) ...  it's become apparent a better way to define where my self is today:

PTSD made me painfully inauthentic.
Let the battle for authenticity begin.

The fight for an emerging self that's ready & able to do things I've never done before.
~~~SAVE POINT REACHED. Continue?~~~

Friday, June 7, 2013

once I started thinking about me just lately as a corpse struggling to get by in a world of living humans, only aware of being different by my intense feeling of having no self or identity, and of being alien or foreign to everyone else... Things changed. it made sense all I needed from there was Brene Brown's definitions. 

What she has ultimately done is put language around what I could only describe here as being dead. She provides a means of understanding what functionality looks like in this human creature that is me: We are HARD WIRED neurobiologically for connection to each other. We have deep, ancient instincts driving a need to connect and stay with our group for survival.

What she has done in her research is so vastly relevant to me I can barely configure it into words. Her findings describe a state of human behavior that is a precise opposite of my last 10 years self, stuck in rot or imprisoned in stone (of such severity I couldn't begin to know the real issue). 

I think that the complex ptsd concept has just been a starting point making way for this understanding. PTSD is more encapsulated. I think it is a mode of describing the symptoms and difficulty, similar to how asperger diagnostic is only focused to negative elements that come up from neurological differences. 

What I like even more is this research has given language to transcend the more limiting diagnostic method of viewing our differences. That's only useful when we can identify chemical or viral/foreign invader which needs to be removed or traced to treat the associated malady. These terms really describe & define emotional and biological commonality between all of us--- This commonality empowers me, it allows me to have the strength to summon an alive self. the ability to see this problem as a function of my primitive emotion gives me the freedom to become myself, by responding to this emotion with REFUSAL to be gripped by its control. I have already expressed I am sick and tired of being disconnected. Now I can do something about it

Sunday, May 26, 2013

There is no easy way around this post

Nearly June, 2013---- So here it is.. writings assembled to form this post have been of the past several months of thought and interaction with overall community to gain my footing. I am actually a bit astonished with the point I've reached at the rate it has proceeded. I really.. did not know what to expect from December. It felt like I had not the strength to stand again.

12/22 - Thinking about treatment by thinking about me as affected by cPTSD

I am attempting to come up with goals for treatment of now apparent PTSD 
In researching, I come across a thing called c-PTSD. Complex ptsd--- Which is at this point a proposed set of loose criteria, that essentially defines a PTSD sufferer where the main feature is an impact to self more than any of the other usual features of the current PTSD criteria. Your identity, broken down or made completely frail, or dissociated. Most often found as the result of a prolonged helplessness or inability to be free of the trauma source. Grief is a huge one found there.

The sort of items in cPTSD criteria were downright spooky to me in familiarity. 

Just looking through, I was struck by nearly the first thing I found. The glorification of the perpetrator. For me, death itself... became a still standing obsession, at times leading me down "depression attack" episodes of high suicidal special interest activity, and associated feeling of being absolutely unable to ever escape the trauma/loss of control of your life/oppressor.

I could have sudden moments of depersonalization, like a Death strike on my consciousness, a sink, most often when I am on my way to going to sleep and having a hard time of it. Just this shrill prodding... Your life amounts to nothing. You will expire and leave behind the ones that love you, with nothing but bitter grief. None of this is physically verbal. It's just a freefall that hits me in a single instant and blasts me out of myself, then the sudden moment thereafter I feel that adrenaline flight response and nothing I can do about it.

Also: explosive intermittent/anger. Covert anger, from procrastination to literal behaviors that perpetuate hostility toward others by passive means.
Freezing up, completely unable to move or speak when under a startle or conflict stress. This one appears under possible item to look for in a child.

A lot of fear of a reappearance of the oppressor/cause. Hypervigilant mindset referencing specifically to the prevention/response to such possibility.
The feeling that your identity doesn't exist, that you are absolutely and completely alien to all humans and will never be like them. [Tony Attwood references this having seen it in some aspies as a challenge of reaching the self-understanding process.]

Dissociative defense mechanisms--- essentially escapism at full force. I am drawn into fantasy world, in such a way that the only self in me that matters becomes the one represented by the game identieis--- in gaming a particular game that can hold attention for months on end consuming any free time and spare moments that I may be able spend writing or reading about it as well. 

My interests have very rarely deviated from something I can become completely lost in this way.

To me the idea of complex PTSD makes absolute sense as a broken self, whose behaviors create distance, escapism, and simply coping with the altered state of living that exists in that mindframe where every single day you imagine again the possibility and impact of that thing that Ruined you, and cannot help doing so. A mode of self that effectively stops almost any productive relationship building behavior, other than when can be shut out by the right environment of safety and relaxation. It's no way to live. I do not want to feel like this anymore

Thinking backwards, reaching out~~~~ 3/15

To explain who I am and how in hell I've gotten to where I am in adult life.... there's a lot to summarize. it wont be a fast, concise sum up.

I am capable of extreme verbosity and detail. I've come to call myself detail oriented after a trek through self discovery a few years ago. I came to find that I am like the aspies-asperger/autistic spectrum individuals. More recently I tend to self define as a breed of super-aspie with attention-differential brain, intense introversion, & complex-PTSD. Labels lose their usefulness without taking ownership of your individuality. This is what I've tried to do. All my life I've been labeled adhd and medicated. I came to disagree with that around high school age. I should mention I'm now 28. I've been living my own life for about the past 9 years, working to pay for everything and to make a general living. I work essentially in a help desk role doing wireless troubleshooting.

my whole life ive felt like i wasnt like anyone else, they were all alien to me. during aspie discovery, it finally became clear to me how my personality made sense, how my talents matched up to certain unique methods of thinking and communicating.

Since discovery of my self in aspie form though, that info has been more vexing than empowering as I observe my ways of doing things and how exactly it can create failed interactions. I actually saw for the first time my stone avoidance and withdrawn behavior. It goes beyond introversion, to something a lot more significant that didn't make sense to me as a neurological feature. How could i have such lack of access to myself? It was like that self was imprisoned in stone. In the past I felt I had never had an identity. The aspie discovery was kind of a solution to that. Dr. Attwood had even talked about an extremely abstract sense of self in some aspies he encountered.

I slowly realized something more was going on, without ever looking directly at it. Somewhat like you wouldn't look right at the sun, even though you can feel and observe its immense influence. 

I came to clash with my as yet ignored complex PTSD... the day 20 children were murdered at their school several months ago. I can not describe the crushing sorrow that this brought, that it could even happen much less that I am part of society that could host such horror. Lifetimes of potential, struck down, no recourse just brutal grief continues forward the years their lives could have possessed. My child turns 2 only a few weeks after these parents lost theirs. WHAT was I supposed to do with that?

it was not immediate however the shell shock that came with this put me in a new frame of self.. one that was reconnected to all helplessness and abuse I had ever dealt with. A choking cloud of unfathomable despair. I say unfathomable... because I can't remember hardly any of my life from ages 10-16 following the death of my mother.

I'm not going to rehash anything more on the bullying, abuse, and general lack of a single ally during critical developmental years that created my helplessness and my associated inward behaviors cutting me out of collaborating, trusting, or even coming close to a need of help from other people. Not just because i cant, but more relevantly It's pointless to do so, I've learned. What's useful is mindfully looking at myself and my behavior.

The path of implementing that ideal has led to looking at the me that is and always has been a gamer. Why have I been so persistently interested in advancing imaginary manifestations of me inside imaginary realms? I had misread it as component of the spectrum traits of special obsession interest. my patterns were more project based, never sticking with one overarching interest beyond the theme of video game world activity.

The answer to this greater question became partly clear upon hearing Mike Langlois, a gamer and psychotherapist, explain how the vast majority of time we spend in games is failing, and because we might win we keep at it. Just a small time spent immersed in the control of a powerful &/or attractive avatar gives us lasting buffs of self confidence & esteem. THIS is why we game. That was a truly exhilarating moment of enlightenment.

This fact, I believe is why I have been deeply connected to gaming at all stages of my life. Going back to grow stronger on that virtual self may be the only thing that's kept me from sinking to the depths of desire to exit my own life. Or at least brought me back from those depths as its own positive exit I could just switch off when necessary to attend the productivity of making my own living.

Will of the forsaken -3/28
18 years ago, I died

I disappeared: It came for her, and without mercy, it withered her, and left ruin for us that she had nurtured.

I was no longer.... alive

Yet, I'm here. Inside this fumbling machine of tissue. Inhabiting a similar appearance to those surrounding me. Completely alien.

my functionality is impeded by rotting limbs of self. Cold, difficult to harness. A state of undeath of which I have scarcely even had awareness.

Why did this happen? how am I not gone? how I can still breathe, or eat... how can i sleep, or seethe in fear? I, am, dead. what is this?

I am, as nearly literally as is possible, forsaken. dead but not gone. just colder, slower, and alone.


I'm still here.

It seems.. I possess the will of the forsaken. It is, I believe, a vital refusal to rot and lose the person that is me for good.

New thought process - April

The theory was that reforming the self within connected gaming would dictate a model for accessing that same self in any area of life. A new method of succeeding at interaction could be born for me.

The worst PTSD effect is crippling ruin upon your ability/desire to interact with or trust people. Your self gets broken. How difficult it is to even realize you have that issue, it can be impossible to see. You are stuck in a stone enclosure. you can't see ANYTHING.

My process of therapy has been so short and basically nothing compared to how long I have stumbled in stone, unaware of the problem.

Games & game exploration as a means of grasping self

The emotional value of Game Exploration: you are taking ownership of space. You own it by your presence. You are in control & mindfully empowered, if you CHOOSE to be. 

In other words games help us grasp self. They may be second only to some forms of meditation for this, when utilized effectively. 

you need this knowledge to properly approach the VAST depth of how terrifying and disempowering the fear of death is

that's a common ground that can be stood upon.. as the terror isn't solely for the afflicted but those who may face losing the one they love as well.

As I have comprehended the PTSD that has locked my self away for years, I have begun to face the loss, and root fear & horror, which existed for not just my afflicted mother but my father as well, leading up to the end of the road for her

Conclusion - emotional currency & egalitarianism of self. Attempt deletion of obsolete selves

Knowledge I have processed by examining what I do and considering what result I actually want:

1. PTSD has made me emotionally stupid 
2. "don't pay attention to me. leave me alone. stay out of my way. I don't need your help. interacting with you disadvantages me" is the prevailing mode of behavior
3. Trust & the benefit thereof is the most abstract knowledge within emotional intelligence.
4. Where a gap in trust exists that could benefit me, I need to SEE it, and act by reaching out. motto of help me help you help me.

Egalitarianism of self: sometimes it is necessary to treat others like I deserve their attention. Something most people do automatically... Gaining accessing to myself begins with this

This me is now in deep conflict with the many selves that have occupied this person. They've been made obsolete... & don't want to be erased. .....Selves free from the economy of emotional currency. You guys can't live in this world. Sorry. Out of my way!!