I came to the complete understanding of how, when I lost the ability to trust, I shut myself out from vital, sustaining open affection and interaction.
Without that, I began to corrode... Or compress, coiling up to maximum tension. My self was lost in this prison cell of isolation. And I died a little more every day emotionally. Until now.
Emotional deadness has left me. Everything that used to section up and filter the chaos fell off. Catching fire, the behaviors that formed the enclosure around myself burned up rapidly in a brilliant flash of pain and adrenaline.
Now, having processed it all, I am back. I seek the affection I need. I set the boundaries for myself that ensure my happiness when someone tries to step on that boundary. I feel so much belonging and so much confidence. There is no longer any value to investing all my time in fantasy spaces.
I don't have to hide anymore or keep myself from connection that is the absolute meaning of my life.