short intro

This blog is about my journey so far... recovery from the years spent focusing only on individual details instead of the big picture. My new selves of the past are explained by this new big picture- and is quite strange to lose the layers of change I thought I had obtained. Further down the path of frustration and exhaustiong.... reaching out for that true self trapped behind stone of complex PTSD

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Attention Differential Disillusionment

It feels now like almost everything I wrote while exploring Spectrum traits and the Attwood's complete guide to AS is irrelevant. It's like that isn't me, that was just another failure to see myself due to the stone barrier of cPTSD.

I am not saying I no longer feel like an Aspie. I feel like the aspie part of me is incredibly intense and is the starting point for everything I have done in the context of PTSD. The only thing about who I am that still makes sense from the spectrum traits is Sticky Attention.

Essentially, the thing that caused me to be defined as ADHD in childhood and that now provides me with attention that attaches to whichever problem of interest and becomes mostly stuck there. In reading about PTSD, on one particular site, the only place I read this, it is referred to as Attention-differential.

It feels like this is my brain. There are impacts of that which cause a commonality for me with several other traits in the spectrum such as being out of sync with regular social interplay. And I am disillusioned with it. I blame it, yet, I know that I would not have developed the ability to dissociate and protect myself, for survival, without this mental talent. Now I just feel lost, at the starting point of the desire to heal the shadowy wounds that catalyzed the dissociation.

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