short intro

This blog is about my journey so far... recovery from the years spent focusing only on individual details instead of the big picture. My new selves of the past are explained by this new big picture- and is quite strange to lose the layers of change I thought I had obtained. Further down the path of frustration and exhaustiong.... reaching out for that true self trapped behind stone of complex PTSD

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I’ve come to find I don’t flat out disagree with theism. What I absolutely disagree with is certainty. My instincts dictate a spirituality of total Not-Knowing-Anything. I feel connected at a level that exceeds moment to moment consciousness. Some post-theists really dislike “agnostic". I think agnostic thought is as far as you can go- leaves you with authentic human spirituality. Rephrased this spirituality is total acceptance I’m here SOLELY due to actions of humans before me. There is no way to meet them or know what they did to leave this consciousness to me. yet I AM them. There is no me.

Regardless of whether you feel any god should exist... why are you looking for it so far away in the sky? It would be within, not above. god is not an individual. It must perhaps be a collective of all selves.

PTSD encumbered self was built of inauthenticity. an ongoing pattern of avoidance of others and feeling of full alienation from everyone. Real self needs connection and celebrates the authenticity by creating connection with honesty

(a life of constant numbing the difficulty and grinding discomfort of being among people where I could not reconcile belonging there... or being like these others at all)

Some more observation.... try to troubleshoot my life

  • Tried reading the fucking manual?
  • Turning it off and on again?
  • Maybe it's too old, barely runs, and need to get a new one?

So the way out is through - sharing. Holding out the real, flawed, pained self. Embracing nature of connection. Refusing to let others devalue you.

I think I've spent much of my life wandering around with a stupid grin on my face. That feels like the authentic me.


listening now -smart people 45 - Brene Brown
-we are absolutely wired neurobiologically at a cellular level for connection with other people
-Our fear of disconnection is our shame emotion
-this is my egalitarianism of self. The feeling that you are worth other people's attention
-Brene Brown calls it wholeheartedness --- Seems all congruous. To achieve, requires the right focus on play, rest, & creative
-This was put in front of me by an amazing therapist, feels as if what I said to her linked this reference to this expert
-Brene Brown: "I see people sick and tired of being afraid"
-something that I've perceived, @BreneBrown articulates. We are stuck in a culture of scarcity, disengagement, and fear of disconnection
-So the vulnerability terminology for me expresses opposite of what I felt I am for last 10 years- an invincible, dead, yet animated corpse.
~6/2: take a look at the 2 least controllable Experiences that can impact you. the  Birth & Life of your child. your death, the end of your path. 

Before, I've written of the feeling of meeting me, gaining a previously nonexistent self upon birth of my child
Actually what it feels like now- a tiny new me brought this dead one back to life. Rot began to reverse. regrowth had been catalyzed
to engage that small entity, destined to dominate your life from that day forward, is the peak of bravery. You can't face it but vulnerably
I see the willful, voluntary submission to this situation of no control- An act of a self upon its first ever chance to show up for my life 

The strange thing about this thinking now is how accurately I predicted, along the path to the day she would be born, post-conception (and even ahead of that as in what I wrote on my
25th birthday) that the self holding a minutes old. months, 1 year, infant of your own causation is a stranger and you will not meet them until that time. 


Now I'm going to talk about the other "most-vulnerable-thing" (Thing you least control. Main one is having offspring.) about being alive. Your death.

Tragically we fail to appreciate the value of our own final resting point. We view the dead with pity.
so why do we hate death so much? Loss. We hate losing (disconnection) friends. Fear of disconnection & fear of death are the same thing.

To overcome that fear requires authenticity. looking death square on, and the loss, the lack of control. And accept it. This is what we are

Spoiler alert--- this is the truth that JOURNEY wraps your vulnerable self up in, till you weep, & don't know if you're sad or just relieved. flower was beautiful in this way in that you're never even alive. The whole thing is a dreamscape of joy and freedom

No comments:

Post a Comment