short intro

This blog is about my journey so far... recovery from the years spent focusing only on individual details instead of the big picture. My new selves of the past are explained by this new big picture- and is quite strange to lose the layers of change I thought I had obtained. Further down the path of frustration and exhaustiong.... reaching out for that true self trapped behind stone of complex PTSD

Friday, June 7, 2013

once I started thinking about me just lately as a corpse struggling to get by in a world of living humans, only aware of being different by my intense feeling of having no self or identity, and of being alien or foreign to everyone else... Things changed. it made sense all I needed from there was Brene Brown's definitions. 

What she has ultimately done is put language around what I could only describe here as being dead. She provides a means of understanding what functionality looks like in this human creature that is me: We are HARD WIRED neurobiologically for connection to each other. We have deep, ancient instincts driving a need to connect and stay with our group for survival.

What she has done in her research is so vastly relevant to me I can barely configure it into words. Her findings describe a state of human behavior that is a precise opposite of my last 10 years self, stuck in rot or imprisoned in stone (of such severity I couldn't begin to know the real issue). 

I think that the complex ptsd concept has just been a starting point making way for this understanding. PTSD is more encapsulated. I think it is a mode of describing the symptoms and difficulty, similar to how asperger diagnostic is only focused to negative elements that come up from neurological differences. 

What I like even more is this research has given language to transcend the more limiting diagnostic method of viewing our differences. That's only useful when we can identify chemical or viral/foreign invader which needs to be removed or traced to treat the associated malady. These terms really describe & define emotional and biological commonality between all of us--- This commonality empowers me, it allows me to have the strength to summon an alive self. the ability to see this problem as a function of my primitive emotion gives me the freedom to become myself, by responding to this emotion with REFUSAL to be gripped by its control. I have already expressed I am sick and tired of being disconnected. Now I can do something about it

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