short intro

This blog is about my journey so far... recovery from the years spent focusing only on individual details instead of the big picture. My new selves of the past are explained by this new big picture- and is quite strange to lose the layers of change I thought I had obtained. Further down the path of frustration and exhaustiong.... reaching out for that true self trapped behind stone of complex PTSD

Thursday, May 5, 2011

progress report

i somehow feel that i haven't made any progress, instead it has become more difficult for me to interact with people and endure noise and idiocy. i have gained an ongoing awareness of social inadequacies such as
  • not being able to come up with the right quips during conversation in time to use them
  • speaking with far too many words, too quickly, without the right kinds of pauses or contextualization for my listener
  • not knowing when to look at people such as baristas or coworkers
still getting frustrated as hell during car driving due to the recklessness and unawareness of others on the road, still failing to procrastinate long time-sinks into the interests of the moment in favor of things that keep my life in order such as
  • keeping the place in good shape and
  • self-maintenance.
at the same time i am now the keeper of a brand new life, and am happier than ever to be exactly who i am.

the only thing different is that i notice the gap between me and others, the total disconnect that exists as i attempt my best known fakes and imitations. i see in brilliant detail how and why the ones that aren't effective come out that way. i have a diagnostic of the problems that need solving in my ability to interact, i just don't have any solutions despite reading a book about learning social thinking. i feel like my firmware just doesn't have code that would support the implementation of efficient, behavior-defining social thinking.

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